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'elf Expressions Ezine

Get Hold of Your Elf!

"Get hold of your 'elf!"

Your tri-weekly collection of positive tips, hints, and advice offered with humor, inspiration, and other goodies for anyone who is inclined to read. Guidance, mentoring, inspiration, English lessons, editing, proofreading services, and health tips for anyone and everyone, politically incorrect to the max.


Publisher: Mary Wilkey
Volume 16 ó Issue 18 ó December 31, 2016
Final Issue!

Good evening, readers, and welcome to the final issue of 'elf Expressions Ezine. It has been a fun and interesting 16 years, but the time has come that I must bid you adieu. Why? Several reasons, but it just comes down to this one thing, really. I am simply tired. At age 76, I wish to move on to new horizons. If I create a new site, I'll let you all know. In the meantime, I pray that you all are blessed, well, and happy.


In Remembrance of
September 11, 2001



If you've missed any issues, you still can see them at: http://elfexpressionsezine.com



If my people, which are called by my name,
shall humble themselves, and pray, and seek
my face, and turn from their wicked ways,
then will I hear from heaven, and will forgive
their sin, and will heal their land.

2 Chronicles 7:14


A Healthier You
Feature Article
Test Your Bible Knowledge
Today's Chuckle
Today's English Lesson
Guest Article

SPEAK what you SEEK until you SEE what you've SAID!

A Healthier You

Did you realize that 25 percent of your bones consist of water?
So drink good, pure water ... and plenty of it!

Exceedingly clever, the African witch doctor. Traditionally, his ilk has been called into tribal criminal cases. Say six men are suspects. No evidence definitely proves any one guilty. The witch doctor directs each to eat a handful of grain. He then points to the guilty man and utters the appropriate condemnation. Time and again, subsequent proof turns up to show the witch doctor was right. How did he know? The guilty man was the more scared. That blocked the free flow of saliva. He had the most difficulty swallowing.

Feature Article

What Smart People Do That Stupid People Don't ... and What Stupid People Do That Smart People Don't

Smart people invest their money and spend what is left. Stupid people spend their money and invest what is left.

Smart people spend time alone. Stupid people seldom do that by choice.

Smart people ask questions. Stupid people make statements.

Smart people tend to be quiet and introspective. Stupid people tend to be noisy and rarely "go within."

Smart people are patient. Stupid people rarely are.

Smart people speak few words, because they know the power of words, and they weigh their words carefully before they speak. Stupid people speak a lot and rarely think before they speak.

Smart people stand for something. Stupid people fall for anything.


You may reprint the above article with this info intact:
Article penned by Mary Wilkey, publisher of 'elf Expressions Ezine:

As Featured On EzineArticles


Test Your Bible Knowledge

Question ó Which month did God tell the Israelites to celebrate the Passover?

(a) - Abib (March-April)
(b) - Sivan (May-June)
(c) - Elul (August-September)
(d) - Kislev (November-December)

Scroll down for the answer.

Burglaries in Chicago outnumber those in all of Japan.

Never before was as much paper showered on any celebrity as was thrown at astronaut John Glenn, when he starred in the 1962 New York ticker-tape parade. An estimated 3.47 tons of paper, to be specific. And no doubt never again will that much paper be showered on any ticker-tape celebrity of the future. Paperless computers are replacing the ticker-tape machines. And the skyscraper windows are being sealed up with the installation of central air conditioning.

Today's Chuckle

Those Questions No One Can Answer

Why does rain drop and snow fall?

What disease did cured ham have?

What's the difference between unique and very unique?

We put in our two cents, but only get a penny for our thoughts. Who gets the extra penny?

When do you become important enough to be considered assassinated and not just murdered?

Can you cry under water?

Who decided that a round pizza should be put in a square box?

When you get to heaven, are you stuck for eternity wearing the same clothes you were buried in?

Why did we put a man on the moon before we realized it would be a good idea to make luggage with wheels?

Why are actors IN movies but ON television?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast?

Why does grass grow where you do not want it and not grow where you do?

Why do we say we slept like a baby when they wake up every two hours?

Why do we pay to get to the top of tall buildings, then pay to use binoculars to look at things on the ground?

If a deaf person goes to court, do they call it a hearing?

We say, "It's Greek to me." What do the Greeks say? (Answer: It's Chinese to me.)

If we don't care that Jimmy cracked corn, why do we still sing about it?

Why does Goofy stand upright and Pluto stands on all four feet? They're both dogs.

Do "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star" and "The Alphabet Song" have the same tune?

On Gilligan's Island, the professor could make a radio out of a coconut. Why couldn't he fix the hole in the boat?

If Wile E. Coyote has enough money to buy all that stuff from ACME, why doesn't he just buy himself dinner?

Can you drive in the car pool lane if you're driving a hearse with a corpse in it?

Why does a dog get mad at you if you blow in his face, but then stick his head out the window when you take him for a car ride?

In one three-square-mile section of Brooklyn are more than 100 synagogues.

Today's English Lesson

Seeing the same elementary mistakes over and over again has prompted this publisher to write an English lesson each issue. Look for some of these lessons to be repeated, because the mistakes are!

So, you think English is easy? I think this retired English teacher was bored ... THIS IS GREAT!

1 - The bandage was wound around the wound.

2 - The farm was used to produce produce.

3 - The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4 - We must polish the Polish furniture..

5 - He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6 - The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert..

7 - Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

8 - A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9 - When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10 - I did not object to the object.

11 - The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12 - There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

13 - They were too close to the door to close it.

14 - The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15 - A seamstress and a sewer fell into a sewer line.

16 - To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17 - The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18 - Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear..

19 - I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

20 - How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Let's face it: English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?

Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all.

That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

Now this from yours truly: To his lengthy list of redundancies, our language man has added "unexpected surprise."

Lots of old bromides would serve just as well if the last word on each were dropped. For instance, "Nothing so rare as a day in." Now that's a reasonable remark.

Or, "Money is the root of all." It's a misquotation, I realize. "God helps them that help." "Familiarity breeds." "A penny saved is a penny." "Blondes have more." And, "Fools rush in where angels fear to."

In a New Mexico cemetery is a tombstone with this epitaph: "Here lies John Yeast. Pardon Me for Not Rising."

Twenty-two kinds of plants grow nowhere else in the world but in Death Valley.

Guest Article

Thank you! Thank You! Thank You!
by Andrew Wommack

Itís always important to have an attitude of thankfulness, but this special season of Thanksgiving reminds us to look back and think about what God has done. As Jamie and I look back over this year, we are especially thankful for you. You have joined with us and sacrificially given to help take Godís good news to people around the world. On behalf of the thousands you have helped, we say THANK YOU. We are praising God because of you and pray that His blessings will overtake you.

The benefits of praise and thankfulness are too numerous to mention, but I think itís very appropriate to be thinking about them as we celebrate what I believe to be the most sacred holiday in America. It was set aside just to give thanks and has not been diluted with things like little rabbits and reindeer.

When we thank God for all His blessings, it refocuses our attention from the negative to the positive things in our lives. Sure, all of us have problems. We live in a fallen world, but God is good, and Godís goodness to us is greater than all of the Enemyís attacks.

Every one of us has much to be thankful for and more than enough reason to be praising Him. We just need to put everything into perspective. Paul praised God after being beaten, stoned, whipped, and thrown in jail. Then he said these were but light afflictions that last for a moment, nothing to be compared to eternal things (2 Cor. 4:17-18).

Paul understood that praise coming from a thankful heart has great power. It will build you up spiritually, it is a source of strength, it is a powerful weapon against the devil, and it ministers to the Lord, just to mention a few of its benefits. My series The Effects of Praise will help you understand more about its effects.

Not only are Jamie and I thankful to you for what your gifts have helped make possible this year, but we are also thankful to God for the doors He has opened. As most of you know, we are now airing the Gospel Truth on the Trinity Broadcasting Network (TBN). The program is broadcast nationally, once a week, on Mondays at 11:30 a.m., Mountain Time. The results of this broadcast have far exceeded our expectations.

In the past I have often talked about what we thought would happen when we began broadcasting on TBN. We knew the results would be huge because it has three to five times the viewers of the second largest network. We began airing June 2, and now that we have over five months of history, it is no longer just an estimate; the facts speak for themselves.

In this short period of time, broadcasting only one day a week, the response from the TBN viewers is rivaling that of what has, until now, been our most successful network. Weíve been broadcasting our daily program on that network for over six years.

This speaks volumes about the huge audience TBN reaches and the hunger that people have for the message of Godís unconditional love and grace. There are some Mondays when we have received over 1,000 contacts from a single TBN broadcast. By any standard in Christian television, that is a great response.

The goal that the Lord placed in my heart was to cover the United States with the Gospel Truth broadcast by the year 2012 and to saturate it by the year 2020. I have always believed that someday TBN would bring us on their network, but since they had repeatedly shown no interest, I was planning to reach my goal through Christian and secular television without them.

However, this breakthrough with TBN changes everything. We can now say that we have complete coverage of the United States. In other words, nearly every home in the U.S. can receive our broadcast. That does not mean they tune in or even know we are on the air. Itís still a very long way from what is considered saturation.

In practical terms, saturation means that if you were watching television and surfing the channels for several hours, you would come across our program. Until we have a daily program multiple times each day on all the networks, including TBN, many people will never even hear about the Gospel Truth.

I am believing to have a daily program on TBN very soon and then multiple timeslots after that. As you can imagine, the price tag for all of this is no small thing. Our media buyers anticipate that it will take $2.5 million per month to reach the goal of saturating the U.S. with the Gospel Truth. Combining that with the additional personnel and equipment it will take to serve those people, and you can easily see that the costs will be huge.

The reason I am so excited about this is because of all the lives that are being touched. Many people come up to me at our meetings and say, ďWhy havenít I ever heard this before?Ē or ďIs there anyone in our area who believes and teaches this?Ē The Lord is building His kingdom, not mine. I believe Jamie and I have been called to bring a fresh revelation of the true Gospel to the body of Christ, and itís thrilling to see God doing it through us.

However, we arenít doing this by ourselves. We know that none of what has been accomplished could have happened without youóour partners and friends in the ministry. Your role in this ministry is tremendously important. You are like the engine that pulls the train. Without the engine, we arenít going anywhere. And what takes place in the future depends on the continuing power of your support and others who believe God has called them to help take this message to the world.

It is going to take thousands of partners to reach this nation with the good news. If you are not yet a partner, please prayerfully consider becoming a Grace Partner. Grace Partners are those who give $30 or more each month to help us deliver this message.

If you would like to help with the TBN broadcast with a one-time gift, please go to http://www.awmi.net/tbn_broadcast/donation.

So a special thank-you to all of you who have helped make this possible. We not only believe you will be blessed in this life but in the life to come. People who were changed through the message you helped us share will line up to welcome you into heaven (Luke 16:9). You are a blessing.


Order Andrew's materials at Andrew Wommack Ministries.

Publisher's Note: If you have not already guessed, Andrew is my very favorite teacher. Why? He makes disciples, not merely converts. Disciples go out and teach others what they have been taught. In that way, the body of Christ just keeps on growing and growing and growing. Do the math!

There are more people alive today, than have EVER died!

Answer to Bible trivia:

(a) - Abib (March-April) is correct.
See Deuteronomy 16:1.


The Atheist and the Little Girl

An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane, and he turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the atheist. "How about why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?" as he smiled smugly. He went silent when she said this:

"Okay," she said, "Those could be interesting topics, but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff--grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse proces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"

The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."

To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss God, Heaven, and Hell, or life after death, when you don't know crap?"

And then she went back to reading her book.


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