Your weekly collection of positive tips, hints, and advice offered with humor, inspiration, and other goodies for anyone who is inclined to read. Guidance, mentoring, inspiration, English lessons, editing, proofreading services for entrepreneurs and online marketers.
Publisher: Mary Wilkey
Volume 9 — Issue 6 — February 10, 2009
Published every Tuesday
Hi, all ... welcome ... and a special welcome to all new readers. Sadly, I've had to publish a retraction of an erroneous article that appeared in last week's issue under "Politically Incorrect," but at the same time I've injected a chuckle in that same slot this week, which I hope you will appreciate.
Also, I've waxed a bit nostalgic with an article addressed to those of us born in or before the 70's, which we can all identify with.
Then, there is a good article on the secrets of effective Internet marketing, which you'll appreciate if you are trying to do that.
Plus, catch the Guest Article, which is entitled "You Could Have Heard a Pin Drop," which is also an amusing political statement.
Hope you enjoy the entire issue. Until next week then, be blessed!
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In
Remembrance of
September 11, 2001
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If my people, which are called by my name, shall humble themselves, and pray, and seek my face, and turn from their wicked ways, then will I hear from heaven, and will forgive their sin, and will heal their land.
—2 Chronicles 7:14
Contents:
Top Sponsor
Weekly Contest
Politically Incorrect
Feature Article
Test Your Bible Knowledge
Today's Chuckle
Today's English Lesson
Internet Tips & Hints
Guest Article
Inspiration
Etcetera
Results of last issue's contest, when the question was — Who is the youngest sports commentator in the world?
The answer — The youngest sports commentator is America's Zach Spedden, who was born on July 8, 1992. On August 25, 2002, Spedden called an entire nine-inning baseball game on radio station WHAG 1410 AM in Hagerstown, Maryland, aged just 10 years old. He also presented the pre-game show and post-game analysis. No one entered, so no one won! Look, this is not rocket science! And if you enter, even if you're wrong, and you're the only entrant, you will still be awarded the prize . . .
For our subscribers only: Be first to submit the correct answer to the following question and receive the next available top sponsor slot gratis. So answer this:
Who was the youngest millionairess?
Send to contest@elfexpressionsezine.comand be sure to include your promo copy with your entry. I will no longer contact winners to request it. Several people have missed out having their copy published, because they did not include their ads with their entries!
"You cannot legislate the poor into freedom by legislating the wealthy out of freedom. What one person receives without working for, another person must work for without receiving. The government cannot give to anybody anything that the government does not first take from somebody else.
"When half of the people get the idea that they do not have to work because the other half is going to take care of them, and when the other half gets the idea that it does no good to work because somebody else is going to get what they work for, that my dear friend, will prove the end of any nation.
You cannot multiply wealth by dividing it."
—Dr. Adrian Rogers, 1931-2005
Politically Incorrect
Last week, regretfully, I published an article about Nancy Pelosi that I failed to check out beforehand. Turns out it was inaccurate. Read the full facts at http://www.snopes.com/politics/pelosi/windfall.asp. I apologize for this oversight, and thank you, James, for bringing to my attention.
And what follows I recognize is not true, although the media would have had a heyday if it had really happened:
Florida Court Sets Atheist Holy Day
In Florida, an atheist created a case against the upcoming Easter and Passover holy days. He hired an attorney to bring a discrimination case against Christians, Jews, and observances of their holy days.
The argument was that it was unfair that atheists had no such recognized days. The case was brought before a judge. After listening to the passionate presentation by the lawyer, the judge banged his gavel, declaring "Case dismissed!"
The lawyer immediately stood objecting to the ruling saying, "Your honor, how can you possibly dismiss this case? The Christians have Christmas, Easter, and others. The Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur, and Hanukkah, yet my client and all other atheists have no such holidays."
The judge leaned forward in his chair saying, "But you do. Your client,
counsel, is woefully ignorant." The lawyer said, "Your Honor, we are unaware of any special observance or holiday for atheists."
The judge said, "The calendar says April 1st is April Fools Day. Psalm 14:1 states, "The fool has said in his heart, there is no God." Thus, it is the opinion of this court, that if your client says there is no God, then he is a fool. Therefore, April 1st is his day. Court is adjourned.
"The time is always right to do what is right."
—Martin Luther King
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Feature Article
To all the kids who were born in the
1930's, 40's, 50's, 60's and 70's!
[Author unknown, but very much appreciated!]
First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they carried us.
They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes.
Then after that trauma, our baby cribs were covered with brightly colored lead-based paints.
We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets, and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention the risks we took hitchhiking.
As children, we would ride in cars with no seatbelts or air bags.
Riding in the back of a pick-up on a warm day was always a special treat.
We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.
We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle, and no one actually died from this.
We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter, and drank soda pop with sugar in it, but we weren't overweight because . . .
We were always outside playing!
We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.
No one was able to reach us all day. And we were okay.
We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.
We did not have Playstations, Nintendos, X-boxes, video games, 99 channels on cable, videotape movies, surround sound, cell phones, personal computers, Internet or Internet chat rooms . . . we had friends, and we went outside and found them!
We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth, and there were no lawsuits from these accidents.
We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.
We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, made up games with sticks and tennis balls, and although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes.
We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just yelled for them!
Little League had try-outs, and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!
The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!
This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers, and inventors ever!
The past fifty years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.
We had freedom, failure, success, and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all!
And YOU are one of them! CONGRATULATIONS!
You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated our lives for our own good.
Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it?!
Complete Matthew 5:5: "Blessed [are] the meek . . ."
1 — for they shall be filled
2 — for theirs is the kingdom of heaven
3 — for they shall see God
4 — for they shall inherit the earth
Scroll down for the answer.
"The service we render others is the rent we pay for our room on earth."
—Wilfred Grenfel
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Be not angry that you cannot make
others as you wish them to be, since you cannot make yourself as you wish to be.
—Thomas A. Kempis
Today's Chuckle
Credit Cards
Be sure to cancel your credit cards before you die.
This is so priceless, and so easy to see happening, customer service being what it is today.
A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and then added late fees & interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00; now it's somewhere around $60.00.
A family member placed a call to Citibank:
Family Member: "I'm calling to tell you that she died in January."
Citibank: "The account was never closed, and the late fees and charges still apply."
Family Member: "Maybe you should turn it over to collections."
Citibank: "Since it is two months past due, it already has been."
Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"
Citibank: "Either report her account to the frauds division or report her to the credit bureau—maybe both!"
Family Member: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"
Citibank: "Excuse me?"
Family Member: "Did you just get what I was telling you . . . the part about her being dead?"
Citibank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor."
Supervisor gets on the phone.
Family Member: "I'm calling to tell you that she died in January."
Citibank: "The account was never closed, and the late fees and charges still apply."
Family Member: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"
Citibank: (Stammer) "Are you her lawyer?"
Family Member: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given)
Citibank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"
Family Member: "Sure." (the fax number is given)
After they get the fax ...
Citibank: "Our system just isn't set up for death. I don't know what more I can do to help."
Family Member: "Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I don't think she will care."
Citibank: "Well, the late fees and charges do still apply."
Family Member: "Would you like her new address?"
Citibank: "That might help."
Family Member: "Odessa Memorial Cemetery, Highway 129, Plot Number 69."
Citibank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"
Family Member: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?"
What fun it is dealing with customer "service"!
Some of your hurts you have cured,
and the sharpest you still have survived, but what torments of grief you endured,
from evils which never arrived!
—Ralph Waldo Emerson
Today's English Lesson
Seeing the same elementary mistakes over and over again has prompted this publisher to write an English lesson each issue. Look for some of these lessons to be repeated, because the mistakes are!
Okay, folks, this is one I had not seen. Someone was talking about "herding" a group of people (as in a herd of cattle), but instead, the writer was "hearding" them! I kid you not . . . I actually saw this on a website.
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The rung of a ladder was never meant to rest upon, but only to hold a man's foot long enough to enable him to put the other somewhat higher.
—Thomas Henry Huxley
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On the Internet, millions upon millions of transactions take place every day, every hour, every minute, and every second. This was not possible fifteen to twenty years ago. Now, with access to the Internet, you have the capability of reaching many thousands of potential customers at the touch of a button. And you are limited only by your imagination.
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These thoughts tell us how the rest of the world thinks about us.
When in England, at a fairly large conference, Colin Powell
was asked by the Archbishop of Canterbury if our plans for
Iraq were just an example of "empire building" by George Bush.
He answered by saying, "Over the years, the United
States has sent many of its fine young men and women
into great peril to fight for freedom beyond our borders.
The only amount of land we have ever asked for in return
is enough to bury those who did not return."
You could have heard a pin drop.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There was a conference in France where a number of
international engineers were taking part, including French
and American. During a break, one of the French engineers
came back into the room saying "Have you heard the latest
dumb stunt Bush has done? He has sent an aircraft carrier
to Indonesia to help the tsunami victims. What does he
intend to do, bomb them?"
A Boeing engineer stood up and replied quietly: "Our
carriers have three hospitals on board that can treat
several hundred people; they are nuclear powered and can supply
emergency electrical power to shore facilities; they
have three cafeterias with the capacity to feed 3,000
people three meals a day, they can produce several
thousand gallons of fresh water from sea water each
day, and they carry half a dozen helicopters for use in
transporting victims and injured to and from their flight
deck. We have eleven such ships; how many does
France have?"
You could have heard a pin drop.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A U.S. Navy admiral was attending a naval conference
that included admirals from the U.S., English, Canadian,
Australian, and French Navies. At a cocktail reception,
he found himself standing with a large group of officers
that included personnel from most of those countries.
Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped
their drinks, but a French admiral suddenly complained that,
whereas Europeans learn many languages, Americans learn
only English. He then asked, "Why is it that we
always have to speak English in these conferences rather than speaking French?"
Without hesitating, the American admiral replied "Maybe
it's because the Brits, Canadians, Aussies, and Americans
arranged it so you wouldn't have to speak German."
You could have heard a pin drop.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And this story fits right in with the above . . .
Robert Whiting, an elderly gentleman of 83, arrived in
Paris by plane. At French Customs, he took a few minutes to
locate his passport in his carry-on.
"You have been to France before, monsieur," the
customs officer asked sarcastically. Mr. Whiting admitted that he had been to France previously.
Then you should know enough to have your passport
ready.
The American said, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."
"Impossible. Americans always have to show your
passports on arrival in France!"
The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard
look. Then he quietly explained, "Well, when I
came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in 1944 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find a single Frenchmen to show a passport to.
You could have heard a pin drop.
If you are proud to be an American, copy and pass this on!
I am, and I did.
"Success is simple. Do what's right, the right way, at the right time."
—Arnold H. Glasgow
Answer to Bible trivia:
4 — for they shall inherit the earth is correct.
See Matthew 5:5
Inspiration
"Old Geezers" (slang for an old man) are easy to spot:
At sporting events, during the playing of
the National Anthem, Old Geezers hold
their caps over their hearts and sing without
embarrassment. They know the words and
believe in them. Old Geezers remember
World War I, the Depression, World
War II, Pearl Harbor, Guadalcanal, Normandy
and Hitler. They remember the Atomic Age,
the Korean War, The Cold War, the Jet Age
and the Moon Landing, not to mention Vietnam.
If you bump into an Old Geezer on the sidewalk,
he will apologize. If you pass an Old Geezer
on the street, he will nod or tip his cap to a
lady. Old Geezers trust strangers and are
courtly to women. Old Geezers hold the door
for the next person and always, when walking,
make certain the lady is on the inside for protection.
Old Geezers get embarrassed if someone curses
in front of women and children and they don't like
any filth on TV or in movies. Old Geezers have
moral courage. They seldom brag unless it's
about their grandchildren.
It's the Old Geezers who know our great country
is protected, not by politicians or police, but by
the young men and women in the military serving their country.
This country needs Old Geezers with their decent
values. We need them now more than ever.
Thank God for Old Geezers!
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