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Get Hold of Your Elf!

"Get hold of your 'elf!"


Your weekly collection of marketing tips, hints, and advice interspersed with humor, inspiration, and other goodies to spice things up a bit. Guidance, tutoring, advice, mentoring, coaching, inspiration, English lessons, editing, proofreading services for entrepreneurs and online marketers.

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Publisher: Mary Wilkey
Volume 5 - Issue 4 - February 1, 2005
Published every Tuesday


Hi, everyone . . . and welcome . . .

If Valentine's Day is less than two weeks away, can Spring be far behind? It's bright and sunshiney today in Ohio, smacking of those beautiful, balmy days ahead. We had hoped to get away this Winter for a cruise, but such was not to be, because of a demanding work schedule for my husband.

I guess if I'm ever going to get him out there on the high seas, I'll just have to book the reservations and make the plans. Otherwise, we'll probably go to the cemetery with our cruise still only a dream!

This morning I heard someone talking about cemeteries being the richest places on earth, because so many dreams lie there unfulfilled. What a pity! Sure hope ours won't be among them! What about you?



In Remembrance of
September 11, 2001


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Keep that which is committed to thy trust, avoiding profane and vain babblings, and oppositions of science falsely so called.

—1 Timothy 6:20



Contents:

Sponsor Ad
Ad Contest
Feature Article
Classifieds
Today’s Chuckle
Today's English lesson
Internet Tips & Hints
Guest Article
Memories
Inspiration
Etcetera


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Ad Contest


Results of last issue's ad contest, when the question was: What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common? The answer: All were invented by women. See Janet Emo's ad above.

For our subscribers only: Be first to submit the correct answer to the following question and receive the next available top sponsor ad free. Here is the question:

If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter "A"?

Send to contest@elfexpressionsezine.com and be sure to include your ad with your entry so that I do not have to contact you separately to get it. Several people have missed out having their ads published, because they did not respond with their ads in before my deadline.





"What you are speaks so loudly, I cannot hear what you say."

—Ralph W. Emerson



Feature Article


Are You a True Believer? . . . Really?

Most people who purport to be Christians would answer in the affirmative.

Upon reflection, however, I wonder how accurate an affirmative response would be for many.

What I'm getting at is, those of us who claim to be believers have no trouble accepting our salvation, have no trouble believing that we shall have eternal life, and have no trouble believing most of what the Bible says.

Most? Not if you're a true believer!

We are not to have selective hearing of God's Holy Word. No!

Most of us accept, believe, and try to keep the Ten Commandments all right. But there are also other requirements that are not enumerated as distinctly as those.

Take the two additional commandments not even mentioned specifically in the original ten, to love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, with all thy soul, and all thy mind, and to love thy neighbor as thyself. (Matthew 22:37-40) If everyone in this world kept just these two commandments, there would be no need for the others; that's why the Lord called them the greatest two.

How many Christians really believe and practice these two?

Frankly, most of us need to sit down and examine ourselves. And I haven't even gotten to the main point yet, which is belief-faith-trust-knowing.

The majority of Christians are somewhere in elementary school when it comes to their belief-faith-trust-knowing. I was going to say "kindergarten," but that would be untrue. Why? Because my eight-year-old grandson has more faith than most adults.

About a year ago he came home from school with perfect test results in a subject that doesn't come easily for him. His mother and I expressed some surprise, to which he replied, "Of course . . . God helped me!" His is a matter-of-fact kind of faith. He prays and expects results . . . and he gets them!

We have to become as little children. My husband had a revelation about faith a few years ago, and that is that F-A-I-T-H means "For-As-I-Trust-Him"! Isn't that neat?

When you have small problems, they require little faith. But the mountains require an extraordinary measure of belief. When you have huge financial problems, a loved one with what has been diagnosed as a terminal or debilitating illness, insurmountable marital problems, catastrophic personal illness, or any other mountain, your faith is strained, and your resolve is tested to the nth degree—to the breaking point.

It is at this point that most people fail; they start cursing God, asking "why me, Lord?" . . . crying, whining, murmuring, and complaining (which the Bible says is like witchcraft). It's a very human thing to do and fits our carnal nature.

It is at this do-or-die point that we need to keep on believing, keep on trusting, keep on holding onto our faith. Somehow we have to muster up the courage to cross over the belief threshhold. But how? It seems impossible and futile. And it's always the last thing we feel like doing. But we have to squelch our feelings and stop focussing on them. Instead, we need to focus on the Source of our delivery, our heavenly Father, our Lord Jesus.

But the evil one will attack you with everything he's got, and he uses your mind and emotions to drain you dry to the point that you just want to roll over and die. It is just at this point when you need to stand up, take a few deep breaths, and declare "Enough's enough! I can't fight you anymore on my own. I'm going to bring in the 'big guns'!"

And that's when you need to speak your victory over the situation. You need to make an out-loud verbal declaration of it. You need to stand on the promises of God; and if you don't have a little book iterating all of His promises, get yourself down to the local Christian bookstore and get one . . . or order one online. Get one that gives specific promises for specific situations.

Everything that our Lord created he spoke into existence. You have that same power! Everything is created in the spiritual before it is ever manifested in the physical. And make no mistake . . . you will get—sooner or later—exactly what you speak, especially when it is spoken with passion, positive or negative. So, as the old saying goes, "Be careful what you pray for . . . you just might get it." (And if there's no doubt about it, you certainly will!)

I'm finally getting around to the main point, which is you either believe the whole Bible, or you don't. Plain and simple. Make no mistake, however, simple does not mean easy. Moving your hand is simple, but if you're paralyzed, it is not easy. Easy, you say? Impossible is more like it . . . yes, but you're forgetting that the Bible says that "nothing is impossible with God."

Don't ever lose sight of the fact that it is our Lord who created us from the dust of the earth. Where else would common sense direct you to go to get repaired except to the Master Craftsman Himself?

Again, either you believe the Bible or you don't!

Love conquers all. The Bible says that God is Love.

"I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me." Phillipians 4:13

If you've prayed and not seen results, there could be several reasons. It may be that you are asking for selfish reasons. — James 4:2 — Or it could be that your faith is being tried to teach you patience. — James 1:3-4 — Or it simply could be because you are double minded—asking one thing but believing another! — James 1:6-8 — In fact, it would behoove everyone to read the entire book of James through several times to get it rooted deep in your spirit.

Those of us who follow Jesus usually don't have to be concerned about committing sins; no, our problem is with sins of omission. And the Bible is rife with little ways we miss if we do not read and study the Word on a daily basis.

One of those "little" ways is that we are develop the habit of speaking to our problems, not about them. This seems a little silly at first glance, but if you analyze your problem you will usually find our age-old enemy at the source. And it is easy to speak to him and to rebuke him in the Holy Name of Jesus. You have power and authority to do so, and you need to start exercising that authority!

Recently, I heard this analogy. Consider a police officer directing traffic. Everything goes well as long as he is wearing his uniform (his suit of authority). But let him stand out there in the middle of the intersection wearing something other than his uniform, and he'll probably get creamed!

So it is with us exercising our spiritual authority. As long as we put on the whole armor of God—as Ephesians 6—speaks about, we have the God-given power and authority to direct our lives; without it, our lives careen out of control and come to a devastating crash.

It comes down to this: We must address the problem. We must not talk about the problem. We must squelch our feelings. We must hold onto our faith. We must not speak doubt. We must get the Word into us daily. We must remember that we are created in the image of God, that we are joint heirs with Jesus, and that we have been endued with power from on High by the Holy Spirit dwelling within us.

Finally, we must always remember that things are manifested in the spiritual dimension as soon as we speak them, although it might take some time before we see them in the physical. But—and this is a big but—we have to realize and remember that we can knock the things we desire right out of the spiritual water if we start speaking the opposite! Conversely, the things we have planted on the spiritual plane will be watered, nurtured, and cultured by a steady diet of reinforcement.

Jesus allowed Himself to be crucified, among other reasons, for an example to us of love. "Greater love hath no man than this, that he lay down his life for his friends." — John 15:13 — If He did that, what reason would He have to deny us anything simpler?

=================================================================================

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Article penned by Mary Wilkey, publisher of 'elf Expressions Ezine:
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A Bible Riddle

Can you find the one verse in the Bible that contains the following words: true, pure, praise?

Answer — Philippians 4:8 — Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.



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Profanity is a disease of the vocabulary.

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Today's Chuckle


This comes from a Catholic elementary school test. Kids were asked questions about the Old and New Testaments. The following statements about the Bible were written by children. They have not been retouched or corrected, i.e., incorrect spelling has been left in.

1 — In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.

2 — Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears.

3 — Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.

4 — The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals.

5 — Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.

6 — Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.

7 — Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.

8 — The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten amendments.

9 — The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.

10 — The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

11 — Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.

12 — The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.

13 — David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.

14 — Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

15 — When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.

16 — When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager.

17 — Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.

18 — St. John the blacksmith dumped water on his head.

19 — Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you. He also explained, a man doth not live by sweat alone.

20 — It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.

21 — The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.

22 — The epistles were the wives of the apostles.

23 — One of the oppossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.

24 — St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.

25 — Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.




"We have no more right to consume happiness without producing it,
than to consume wealth without creating it."

—George Bernard Shaw



Today's English Lesson


Seeing the same elementary mistakes over and over again has prompted this publisher to write an English lesson each issue. Look for some of these lessons to be repeated, because the mistakes are!

Today let's learn the difference between the verbs "allude" and "elude."

"Allude" means to refer to something. For example, "He alluded to the fact that . . . "

"Elude" means to avoid something. An example would be, "He eluded the police by . . . "

A mnemonic device to remember the difference between these two might be to remember that "elude" is interchangeable with "evade."

Does anyone have any better way to remember the difference?

===============================================================================

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Worship of precedent is death of business.

—Source Unknown



Internet Hints & Tips


Country Selector

If you'd like to know where visitors to your site live, add this to your feedback forms.

They just choose a region, and the second menu changes appropriately, allowing them to choose their country.

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You can discover what your enemy fears most by
observing the means he uses to frighten you.

—Eric Hoffer



Guest Article


5 Big Affiliate Mistakes
by Janet Emo

After being involved with affiliate programs for the last few years and not making a dime online, I finally decided to take the gurus' advice and do what they said. Basically, it all boils down to these five simple mistakes:

1 — Joining too many programs

This is a mistake that almost everybody starting out makes. You join one program, then find another program that sounds too good to pass up. Just trust me and "pass it up"! You need to choose and stick with one or two programs.

2 — Using the same ad

Reword your ad. How many times have you seen the same ad over and over? Go back to your sales page and re-read it. Pick out the words that made you join, then put them together in your ad.

3 — Selling to the wrong crowd

Target your product! Look in the search engines for ezines that are related to what you are offering. Then sign up for their newsletters. You won't get many sales if you are trying to sell jewelry in a gardening ezine.

4 — Choosing the wrong affiliate program

It's hard to sell cheap things online, let alone products that you are trying to sell for hundreds of dollars. I've seen some affiliate programs that want $200 or more for their product. If you believe in the program, then you should buy the product, use the product, and then promote the product.

5 — Giving up too soon!

Yup! Any guru will tell you the same thing. Don't give up! Stick with it, and just keep promoting, promoting, and promoting. If you are really serious about selling online, you can—you just have to give it some time and hang in there.

======================================================================

Visit Janet's site at http://freelancejan.notlong.com



Memories


Remember playing monopoly for days?

The chore of hanging clothes on the line?

Making popcorn in a big pot with oil to start and shaking and shaking it? Or Jiffy Pop that turned to charcoal if you got distracted!

Taking walks at night?

Phone numbers starting with a word . . . like Capital 3-5334 or Olympic 3-6026?

Saturday matinees with tons of cartoons?

Five-and-ten-cent stores with wooden floors?

Going for a ride in the car as "something to do"?

45's (only 2 songs) and a case to hold them?

When the "Wonderful World of Disney" was the only color T-V program?

Adjusting the rabbit ears on the T-V . . . and attaching alumninum foil to get better reception?

Those aluminum glasses that made your teeth chill? (You can still find these sometimes at garage sales!)

Sifting flour (according to the Betty Crocker Cookie Book at Christmas time)?

Real bologna andwiches (Who can find that same bologna today?)

T-V jingles that danced in your head and got stuck there . . . like "It's Howdy Doody time" or M-I-C . . . K-E-Y . . . M-O-U-S-E?



Inspiration


The following is a little unusual for this slot, but it inspired me!

For many years Ben Stein has written a biweekly column for the website called "Monday Night At Morton's." (Morton's is a famous chain of steakhouses known to be frequented by movie stars and famous people from around the globe.) Now Ben is terminating the column to move on to other things in his life. Reading his final column is worth a few minutes of your time.

Ben Stein's Last Column
(Read all of this or you will have missed the best.)

How Can Someone Who Lives in Insane Luxury Be a Star in Today's World?

As I begin to write this, I "slug" it, as we writers say, which means I put a heading on top of the document to identify it. This heading is "eonlineFINAL," and it gives me a shiver to write it. I have been doing this column for so long that I cannot even recall when I started. I loved writing this column so much for so long I came to believe it would never end.

It worked well for a long time, but gradually, my changing as a person and the world's change have overtaken it. On a small scale, Morton's, while better than ever, no longer attracts as many stars as it used to. It still brings in the rich people in droves and definitely some stars. I saw Samuel L. Jackson there a few days ago, and we had a nice visit, and right before that, I saw and had a splendid talk with Warren Beatty in an elevator, in which we agreed that "Splendor in the Grass" was a super movie. But Morton's is not the star galaxy it once was, though it probably will be again.

Beyond that, a bigger change has happened. I no longer think Hollywood stars are terribly important. They are uniformly pleasant, friendly people, and they treat me better than I deserve to be treated. But a man or woman who makes a huge wage for memorizing lines and reciting them in front of a camera is no longer my idea of a shining star we should all look up to.

How can a man or woman who makes an eight-figure wage and lives in insane luxury really be a star in today's world, if by a "star" we mean someone bright and powerful and attractive as a role model? Real stars are not riding around in the backs of limousines or in Porsches or getting trained in yoga or Pilates and eating only raw fruit while they have Vietnamese girls do their nails.

They can be interesting, nice people, but they are not heroes to me any longer. A real star is the soldier of the 4th Infantry Division who poked his head into a hole on a farm near Tikrit, Iraq. He could have been met by a bomb or a hail of AK-47 bullets. Instead, he faced an abject Saddam Hussein and the gratitude of all of the decent people of the world.

A real star is the U.S. soldier who was sent to disarm a bomb next to a road north of Baghdad. He approached it, and the bomb went off and killed him.

A real star, the kind who haunts my memory night and day, is the U.S. soldier in Baghdad who saw a little girl playing with a piece of unexploded ordnance on a street near where he was guarding a station. He pushed her aside and threw himself on it just as it exploded. He left a family desolate in California and a little girl alive in Baghdad.

The stars who deserve media attention are not the ones who have lavish weddings on T-V, but the ones who patrol the streets of Mosul—even after two of their buddies were murdered and their bodies battered and stripped for the sin of trying to protect Iraqis from terrorists.

We put couples with incomes of $100 million a year on the covers of our magazines. The noncoms and officers who barely scrape by on military pay but stand on guard in Afghanistan and Iraq and on ships and in submarines and near the Arctic Circle are anonymous as they live and die.

I am no longer comfortable being a part of the system that has such poor values, and I do not want to perpetuate those values by pretending that who is eating at Morton's is a big subject.

There are plenty of other stars in the American firmament . . . the policemen and women who go off on patrol in South Central and have no idea if they will return alive; the orderlies and paramedics who bring in people who have been in terrible accidents and prepare them for surgery; the teachers and nurses who throw their whole spirits into caring for autistic children; the kind men and women who work in hospices and in cancer wards.

Think of each and every fireman who was running up the stairs at the World Trade Center as the towers began to collapse. Now you have my idea of a real hero.

We are not responsible for the operation of the universe, and what happens to us is not terribly important. God is real, not a fiction; and when we turn over our lives to Him, He takes far better care of us than we could ever do for ourselves. In a word, we make ourselves sane when we fire ourselves as the directors of the movie of our lives and turn the power over to Him.

I came to realize that life lived to help others is the only one that matters. This is my highest and best use as a human. I can put it another way. Years ago, I realized I could never be as great an actor as Olivier or as good a comic as Steve Martin . . . or Martin Mull or Fred Willard—or as good an economist as Samuelson or Friedman or as good a writer as Fitzgerald. Or even remotely close to any of them.

But I could be a devoted father to my son, husband to my wife and, above all, a good son to the parents who had done so much for me. This came to be my main task in life. I did it moderately well with my son, pretty well with my wife, and well indeed with my parents (with my sister's help). I cared for and paid attention to them in their declining years. I stayed with my father as he got sick, went into extremis, then into a coma, and then entered immortality with my sister and me reading him the Psalms.

This was the only point at which my life touched the lives of the soldiers in Iraq or the firefighters in New York. I came to realize that life lived to help others is the only one that matters, and that it is my duty, in return for the lavish life God has devolved upon me, to help others He has placed in my path. This is my highest and best use as a human.

Faith is not believing that God can. It is knowing that God will.




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